The Far Side Of Christmas – Dec 01 2011

Performing: The Far Side Of Christmas
Douglas Kibruz
Date: Dec 01 2011
Location: State Fair Community College

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The Far Side Of Christmas

The holiday time’s approaching, it happens faster every year

It’s a time to care and share-and to swill some seasonal cheer.

But the north poles in a tizzy, it’s the worst scene I could fear

Saint Nicks games been busted-there may not be Christmas I hear

At the ALL Holiday character meeting, which happens” Junish” every year

Kris Kringle was the host again and the Leprechauns brought green beer

It’s a time for myths and heroes from the calendar year round

To swap notes and chit and chat and meet on common ground

Cupid complained bout the price of arrows, Easter Bunny-the cost of eggs

The Presidents wanted more than one day as the whining soon got legs

Jack Frost HATES global warming-he thinks it’s something solar

And the scientists say because of that the bears have gone bipolar

The May Queen and Sugar Plum Fairies Swear they’re not all gay

And the turkeys always nervous around Thanksgiving Day

The April Fool was sick and tired of being just a “joke”

New Year’s babe lives on borrowed time-like most every folk

The Groundhogs mighty dreary of the “shadowy life” he lives

Sadie Hawkins cannot get a date-she wants to know” what gives”

Great Pumpkin’s shape was out of round-the Hatter still was mad

The witches wanted all to know a few were good but most were bad

It seemed to be “sign of the times”-there was so much gone wrong

And Santa had to plan to visit seven BILLION strong

And there are eight thousand languages in the world he must learn

He’ll be tongue tied for sure changing script at every turn

The old fashioned letter to Santa is almost obsolete

He gets an email list or text or maybe just a “tweet”

He’ll cover 24 time zones-quite a trip don’t ya think

And Rudolph’s GPS in his red nose is on the blink

The elves have formed a union with the Munchkin kids of Oz

In the contract lawyers have made sure there is no “sanity clause”

Santa’s good lists holding steady with souls like the Dali lama

The bad list lost a few this year with Gaddadi and Osama

Check the evening news-Wallstreets a big street mob

The best gift of all-would be for those who “want” to have a “job”

There are still those who entertain with flair-just like the Moulon Rouge

But there are others in this world who’d would be outdone by Scrooge

Volcanoes, droughts and floods, tsunamis and big earth quakes

We should gift wrap” better weather” for us all for heaven sakes

We send Santa tons of fruitcake-non light as a feather

He’s not a “fan” but what to do-you know they last forever

By late Christmas morning-Santa’s suits a total loss

With all those dirty grimy chimneys-he just gives his duds a toss

Mary Poppin’s chimney cleaners could climb those roofs so steep

But the way it stands-Santa’s butt and gut becomes the sweep

St Nicks lost his cheater glasses-he’s on the last hole in his belt

Mrs C kindly reminds him he’s not looking all that svelte.

Santa must be schizophrenic or at least to give him pause

He answers to so many names-not just Santa Claus

Papai Noel, Sinter Klaus, Father Christmas, Babbo Natale

I think they mean our Santa-but who can really tell

Julenissen, Ded Moroz, El Nino Jesus, Kanakaloka

Viejo Pascuero, Hoteisho, could be any folka

Toys have gone hi tech –north pole needs a brand new plan

They don’t need carvers and bakers-just one good” IT” man

Good neutered dogs need gifts-no need for shopping at the malls

They’re not picky-easy to please-just give them popcorn balls

Mrs Claus wasn’t optimistic it’s a mighty tough hill to climb

It might take Christmas magic or the Grinch might win this time

It’s been a mixed up crazy year and you and I both know it

Now you start your Christmas season with some grey haired cowboy poet

NASA wants old Santa to make some trips to their space station

Putting one more” comet” in the sky is not his idea of vacation

One hundred million cookies and some milk-ITS EVERY STOP

He thinks “why not five hour energy” and some Baileys on the top

The recessions hit the pole-they’re using reindeer chips for wood

They don’t crank out many btu’s and that fire doesn’t smell so good

There’s a wind chill in the stratosphere-it keeps Santa’s face all ruddy

He’d like a fairing for his sleigh and riding shotgun-ONE good buddy

The Chipmonks are disbanding-Alvin’s gone out solo on his own

But Simon is the smart one and Chubby Theodore’s “home alone”

The economy’s tanked, mortgage flipped, Christmas might be slim pickins

Like Oliver Twist we might have to be content just reading Dickens

NEWS Flash-the reindeer have gone on strike-the timing’s simply awful

They want a higher grade of “hay” and their strike has been deemed lawful

Santa has to have a back up-sleighs can’t pull themselves you know

He has to find a hauler that has “get up and go”

Rocky the flying squirrel might do in a pinch

But they hooked him up to the sleigh-it didn’t budge an inch

Maybe witches on their brooms-though they’ve got no heart or soul

They said they’d be quite happy to deliver “chunks of coal”

The Airforce could not help him-too much combat in the sky

And most gave up so long ago-teaching pigs to fly

The Grinch’s dog has just retired and Penguin Birds are not so fleet

Though they travel by the thousands and some have “Happy Feet”

Peter Pan has “ADD” and the Flying Nun’s in prayer

Buzz Lightyear was willing-but soiled his underwear

ET is out of universe and Dumbo’s got a cold

Rocket Man’s on the movie set and Supermans too old

The Pterdactyl’s obsolete and flying fish can’t land

A flock of geese would drop poop bombs-that we cannot stand

So Santa’s riding on “a donkey” –she is stubborn, short legged and slow

So if Santa’s late arriving-he’s on his “arse” out in the snow

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